Between Skewers, and Life Crisis

Disclaimer: it’s a week before my schedule of my period. Written on July 5, 2025.

I am so angry. Foods I made for my neighbors’ BBQ were a big failure. I made the rice too dry, I made the meat too salty. I was so tired cutting meat for an hour and half while nobody was helping me. So while being hungry because I skipped breakfast, I wasn’t being mindful, pouring too little water and too much salt. And I was the first one coming to the BBQ spot, before that I had to carry 3 big bags and one huge bowl full of marinated beef. So heavy, so full. My daughter was the only one helping me opening and closing the door. If I was about to know that there’s no one helping me, I should’ve been limiting myself for being too ambitious. But then, I fail every time. Every time I think I would serve nice things to others, that much of time I will fail. I’m very disappointed in myself.

These kinds of things made me thinking that my talent is not something around food, although I always proud of myself for making edible meals for me and my family. I should’ve not pouring too much energy on making food, should’ve just done enough to make myself happy for enabling me eating something I don’t have to waste money on.

But then, what talent that I actually have? I’m more than 30 and the only thing I’m proud of myself is that I’m good academically, have a cumlaude on my bachelor and on the way for getting a master’s degree in a famous Dutch university (there’s bunch of failure stories in it). That’s it, and still no contribution in the community. I feel that the only path I could work on is something in academic path. Teacher? Lecturer? Something like that.

But what if I get burned out in the journey? Do I have a way out? Building business? Starting new hobby? Begin a writing career? This mid life crisis starts to get crazy. What do I have to do after I get back to Indonesia? Setting up a nice environment for growing my children? Actually that’s a logical and interesting answer. But what If I get lost? Should I stop dreaming about contributing to society?

You know it’s so funny that overthink can turn my angst and disappointment about some satay (skewers) to contemplation about life, anxieties to my 30’s time, thanks to my pre-menstrual syndrome. But still, I have to stop being so ambitious about food. Let people know that I am a BAD cook.

And - about life - I know I have to pick a choice from two. Whether to accept a challenge (from myself) and ready to rumble, to suffer again because that path is something probably where I’m good at, or — just let it flow! Trying things I haven’t tried and enjoy things as it is. I just want to live my life to the fullest and be good in what I can do. But, WHAT IS IT?

My, this is such a goddamn life crisis.